I read in an old book from an old world that humanity is ‘the intersection of god and beast’. It confirmed what Christianity had taught me; there is a born duality, an ambition’s burden, an inherited juxtaposition within each of us. To bring out the god and deny the beast was to live well.
The god was the control, wisdom, grace, and goodness. Within me, there was a rational stoic ready for every problem – a wall, a grounded ideology with the right answer. It held a fluidity – the ability to adapt any situation, understand wise and unwise alike. I worshiped at that alter, for it seemed the only thing I needed.
The beast was to be the emotional pieces of me – a lost and reactionary soul. I put on him anger, sorrow, jealousy, and lust. For some cruel reason, I had been born with the burden of these irrational pieces of myself. They were unproductive and harmful to others.
What a fantastical lie.
In practice, the god is an economist: a cold, uncommitted pushover. He is wise to see the path but lacks the strength to move forward. There is no respect for the self, for there is always fault to improve. There is trust even when those betray it over and over again. And the golden rule: there is no emotion – emotion is weakness. The beast malnourished in my mind’s cell. And when I needed him, only the economist came forward. It left me directionless, lost, and weak.
In the last year, I’ve explored the beast. It has been as though I had forgotten my invisible arm, only to feel it brush against a table. There is no logical way forward, only intuition. He feeds on energy birthed from the soul, something beyond right and wrong. But still, every moment of expression feels like pushing through a dam.
How do you learn to feel anger again? Or to cry again? Or even simply explain those sensations with words? If you have denied the concept of emotions, have feared them for decades, how do you learn to direct them?
One year of practice will not undo decades of conditioning. It is still scary to feel these things. But an aspiration exists. Anger without rage, sorrow without depression, jealousy without detachment, and lust without objectification. There is a more powerful, more impactful man there. For the best of humanity does not live in the singularity of god or beast, rather thrives in the duality.
Thanks for taking a sip,
So 15 in 30 was a bit ambitious; working on something bigger and planning time better so I can accomplish these things.